The Short Cut

It started as a typical trip to the barbershop. But when I got there and sat in the chair, it was anything but typical. I asked the barber to cut my hair a little shorter than usual.

“Do you have haircut insurance?” he asked.

“I never heard of such a thing?”

“It’s all the rage in Scotland. It’s included in their universal health care coverage.”

“No wonder health care costs are escalating there too and the government can no longer afford it. Why would anyone need haircut insurance?”

“It’s more dangerous for barbers to cut the hair of older people. They have a propensity for falling asleep in the chair and unexpectedly moving their heads. Sometimes we accidentally jab them with the scissors and have to rush them to the hospital.”

“That sounds awful. But I don’t think Medicare covers haircuts?”

“Then I’ll have to add a 3% surcharge to your bill to cover any extra costs that I may incur.”

“Is that legal?”

“If the Republicans can charge older people more for their insurance, I think it’s only fair that I can do the same with my customers.”

“I don’t get it. I’ve been coming to your shop for years and nothing bad has ever happened.”

“That is true. But the statistics don’t lie. Older people are more prone to injury. And you just turned 65.”

“Instead of discriminating against age, why don’t you just raise your price across the board?”

“That would be unfair to my younger customers. Why should they pay extra to support old people?”

“Because one day they will be old too and might not have the means to afford a haircut! Why don’t you just charge customers by the amount of time it takes? Older people tend to have less hair.”

“Look pal. Don’t be such a wise-ass. You can argue all you want, but I’ve already made up my mind. You have a choice now. You can stay and pay me the surcharge, go to another barber or perhaps skip getting a haircut altogether.”

At that point, I got up from the chair, stalked out of the shop, went home, turned on my computer, and tried to find a youtube video on how to cut hair.